secret #21 breaking your heart breaks mine on a whole new level

I hate breaking someone's heart.
It's worse than having my own heart broken sometimes.
standing there watching there face.
knowing that there isn't anything you can do.
you just want them to keep their innocence.
and that none of this had to happen.
But there's nothing you can do.
except to accept it.
I feel like I'm the most terrible person in the whole world. :(

Secret #20 What's next?

I have felt all alone.
surrounded by people. But completely alone.
with no one to talk to.
havent really wanted to socialize.
I feel like my friends are dropping like flies.
and the few people I want to talk to... arent there.
I feel so alone.

secret #19 I wouldn't be surprised if I do marry one of them.

It's weird. you know.
to have two people who are so close to you
tell you that when it comes down to who you're going to marry
it'll either be this guy or this guy.
The first suitor is one of my best friends
he is on a LDS mission in Minnesota.
I've had a crush on him for awhile.
But. He'll be gone for another year and a half.
So who knows what will happen.
And the other... Is the complicated one.
Suitor #2 I met in highschool.
he was that player douche bag that actually ended up to be really sweet...
we kind of got together a year ago
but he went off to basic training and I went two hours away to college.
I've been trying to get back with him ever since.
It scares me that my friend and my cousin
truly honestly think I will marry one of these boys.
It's a bit insane. I just don't even want to think about boys right now.
I am loving just being single. sort of.
Suitor #2 I can't get out of my head.
Boys are stupid, guys hit on me and I get annoyed.
If he told me he wanted a relationship I'd be all for it.
But any other guy... hell no.

Secret #18 The right thing doesn't always feel good.

Have you ever felt something so intense that you can't get it out of your head?
Love. The feeling that everyone craves and desires.
It's the feeling that causes the most happiness one has ever felt.
But also it causes the most pain one has ever felt.
I'm having such a hard time right now.
It's hard when you love someone but you can't act on those feelings.
There right there and you just want to shake them and say
I'm right here! I've been waiting for you all along. Don't make me keep waiting.
But he's going through such a hard time right now.
And I have to realize that I'm maybe not the best thing for him.
I have to think about whats best for him.
And live with the fact that it'll hurt me.

Secret #17 I cant do everything right.

do you ever feel like everyone needs you?

everyone has to have something from you.

they need you for this or want that or something.

then when its wrong its all your fault.

you cant do anything right.

i hate the feeling knowing that i let someone down

i disappointed someone.

that i cant do it right.

i just cant.

its not even worth it to try for you.

cause sometimes whatever i do, it WILL be wrong.

that hurts.

I cant be perfect. I cant be anything more than me.

Little.

Miss.
Broken.

Secret.

Secret #16 you remind me of my stepdad sometimes. i dont like that.

my boyfriend.. he reminds me of my stepdad sometimes.

he gets mad.

never mad enough to hit me like he did...

but i dont like it.

i moved to college.

and was happy to get away from him for awhile.

dont be like that...

it hurts me to see you like that.

and it also scares me...

when my stepdad would get mad.

id go in the my room.

curl up on my bed.

put in my headphones.

with you...

i feel like i have to face it.

and thats hard for me. scary. scary and hard...

i dont know what to do.

this is a part of him.

probably not particularly something he's proud of.

but something.

a part of him.

im scared. scared to see that side of him.

secret #15 writing letters i never plan to send.

how pathetic am i??

I wrote letter after letter to MR PERFECT

i never sent them.

i never planned to send them.

i wrote my thoughts, and my heart's whispers down.

it scares me to look back at them.

that i was that hurt.

that a boy could make me suicidal.

that a boy could make me hate my life that much.

how could i do that to myself?

i think about him sometimes.

yes i do.

and it hurts.

but i dont let myself hurt for long.

i dont think he's worth my hurt..

he just left me one day.

not caring.

i wrote so many letters to him. wow.

screaming my heart out.

i still have them all.

they almost blew away one day.

me and a good friend picked them all up in the wind.

they are a peice of me.

thats how i was.

its almost like they're a journal kind of.

i wouldnt write my hearts words in that much detail

if i was just writing it in my journal.

i never want anyone to see those.

i kind of want to show them to him.

but I dont think he would care.

he hasnt cared about me since at least October 8, 2o11.

that was the last time he told me he loved me.