Secret #16 you remind me of my stepdad sometimes. i dont like that.

my boyfriend.. he reminds me of my stepdad sometimes.

he gets mad.

never mad enough to hit me like he did...

but i dont like it.

i moved to college.

and was happy to get away from him for awhile.

dont be like that...

it hurts me to see you like that.

and it also scares me...

when my stepdad would get mad.

id go in the my room.

curl up on my bed.

put in my headphones.

with you...

i feel like i have to face it.

and thats hard for me. scary. scary and hard...

i dont know what to do.

this is a part of him.

probably not particularly something he's proud of.

but something.

a part of him.

im scared. scared to see that side of him.

secret #15 writing letters i never plan to send.

how pathetic am i??

I wrote letter after letter to MR PERFECT

i never sent them.

i never planned to send them.

i wrote my thoughts, and my heart's whispers down.

it scares me to look back at them.

that i was that hurt.

that a boy could make me suicidal.

that a boy could make me hate my life that much.

how could i do that to myself?

i think about him sometimes.

yes i do.

and it hurts.

but i dont let myself hurt for long.

i dont think he's worth my hurt..

he just left me one day.

not caring.

i wrote so many letters to him. wow.

screaming my heart out.

i still have them all.

they almost blew away one day.

me and a good friend picked them all up in the wind.

they are a peice of me.

thats how i was.

its almost like they're a journal kind of.

i wouldnt write my hearts words in that much detail

if i was just writing it in my journal.

i never want anyone to see those.

i kind of want to show them to him.

but I dont think he would care.

he hasnt cared about me since at least October 8, 2o11.

that was the last time he told me he loved me.

Secret #14 I want to tell you everything but i cant.

there's this boy

and i just want to tell him everything.

everything that has brought me pain.

every sad moment.

and why.

i started crying the other night.

he held me and was so comforting.

kissed me when i cried.

and no ones ever done that for me before.

whenever i cried.

no ones been there.

just my pillow and me.

i've never known the comfort of having someone there.

it was a big relief.

and yet horribly embarassing...

i hate crying in front of people.

he said i looked beautiful.

even when i was crying.

i didnt know what to say.

he said i could tell him anything.

if i ever needed someone to talk to.

he would be there.

i wanted to tell him everything.

i physically couldnt.

i couldnt speak.

there was a lump in my throat.

maybe i'll tell him one day.

but all i could do is cry.

i do also have trust issues.

fifteen boys.

i've been hurt by fifteen boys.

of course i'd have trust issues.