Secret #16 you remind me of my stepdad sometimes. i dont like that.

my boyfriend.. he reminds me of my stepdad sometimes.

he gets mad.

never mad enough to hit me like he did...

but i dont like it.

i moved to college.

and was happy to get away from him for awhile.

dont be like that...

it hurts me to see you like that.

and it also scares me...

when my stepdad would get mad.

id go in the my room.

curl up on my bed.

put in my headphones.

with you...

i feel like i have to face it.

and thats hard for me. scary. scary and hard...

i dont know what to do.

this is a part of him.

probably not particularly something he's proud of.

but something.

a part of him.

im scared. scared to see that side of him.

secret #15 writing letters i never plan to send.

how pathetic am i??

I wrote letter after letter to MR PERFECT

i never sent them.

i never planned to send them.

i wrote my thoughts, and my heart's whispers down.

it scares me to look back at them.

that i was that hurt.

that a boy could make me suicidal.

that a boy could make me hate my life that much.

how could i do that to myself?

i think about him sometimes.

yes i do.

and it hurts.

but i dont let myself hurt for long.

i dont think he's worth my hurt..

he just left me one day.

not caring.

i wrote so many letters to him. wow.

screaming my heart out.

i still have them all.

they almost blew away one day.

me and a good friend picked them all up in the wind.

they are a peice of me.

thats how i was.

its almost like they're a journal kind of.

i wouldnt write my hearts words in that much detail

if i was just writing it in my journal.

i never want anyone to see those.

i kind of want to show them to him.

but I dont think he would care.

he hasnt cared about me since at least October 8, 2o11.

that was the last time he told me he loved me.

Secret #14 I want to tell you everything but i cant.

there's this boy

and i just want to tell him everything.

everything that has brought me pain.

every sad moment.

and why.

i started crying the other night.

he held me and was so comforting.

kissed me when i cried.

and no ones ever done that for me before.

whenever i cried.

no ones been there.

just my pillow and me.

i've never known the comfort of having someone there.

it was a big relief.

and yet horribly embarassing...

i hate crying in front of people.

he said i looked beautiful.

even when i was crying.

i didnt know what to say.

he said i could tell him anything.

if i ever needed someone to talk to.

he would be there.

i wanted to tell him everything.

i physically couldnt.

i couldnt speak.

there was a lump in my throat.

maybe i'll tell him one day.

but all i could do is cry.

i do also have trust issues.

fifteen boys.

i've been hurt by fifteen boys.

of course i'd have trust issues.

Secret #13 Sometimes. I love pain.

sometimes. its true.

i love that pain.

no not physical pain.

but emotional.

sometimes. i love crying.

feeling those tears running down my cheeks.

hurting.

waking up and not knowing what to do.

being alone.

i have become very accustomed to being alone

and sometimes i do need my alone time.

pushing everyone away.

i like that. why?

i do not know.

its like it was my life for so long..

and part of me will always be there.

part of me is always hurting.

part of me is always and will probably be always missing.

this is me.

dont try to change me.

sometimes im sad.

and i dont know why.

dont hold it against me. please.

Secret #12 I hate the word promise.

i hate that word.
dont ever promise me anything.

i dont believe in that word

it killed me.

it gave me hope

it made me happy

then it destroyed me.
MR PERFECT is the one that made me hate that word

i cant even think about it without hurting anymore

i dont know if i'll ever trust that word again.

you ruined that word for me.

i hurt everytime i hear that word.

it'll never be the same.

i want to believe in that word again though.

help me plz?

Secret#11 i dont know what 'perfect' is

I Googled "what is perfect?" I got several results.
Perfection is, broadly, a state of completeness and flawlessness

Perfect: Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
one asked what is a perfect life? and was about how to craft the perfect life.
Perfect:One that describes a thing that someone exactly desires
Perfect: someone with few flaws; possessing many desirable qualities
Perfect: a non existent thing that people try to live up to or find in someone or something. Perfect doesnt exist. No one can be perfect because everyone has faults of some sort. The only thing that will ever be perfect died on a cross two thousand years ago.
Perfect: something that has no flaws. a words that contradicts itself.
Perfect A word you use to explain the person your in love with. Everything they do is just so perfect.. even their imperfections.
one said what is perfect love? which is ultimately what this post is about.
I thought i fell in what i thought to be perfect love once.
we liked eachother right from the start. but didnt know it. We'll call him MR PERFECT
i was a silly stupid girl. who made a list of everything i wanted in a guy.
he fit everything on that list. It was amazing. I thought he was the one.
he told me i was the one too..

and it wasnt just qualities on this list like it was sweet, funny etc.

although those were on the list too. but i had exact things also.

like blonde hair blue eyes, ballroom dancer, like chick flicks, strong,

plays piano, plays guitar, right down to his favorite store.

there was alot more too. it was crazy how exact it was. and how he fit it perfectly.

i thought it was amazing he liked me. he would say the sweetest things.

no one had ever said things like that to me.

because i have never thought much of myself... he made me care about myself.

he made me feel beautiful when i never did.

he made me so happy. nothing else mattered in the world.
and then those three words were spoken. i love you.

he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

i wasnt crying myself to sleep anymore.

its like all the bad things screaming in my head; when i was with him.

i couldnt hear any of it anymore.

i told him once he was my distraction. all the bad things were still going on..

but i never thought of them. only him.

this is cheesy.. but it really was a beautiful time in my life..

he was my first kiss. a kiss adds so many more feelings.

i loved him. so much. i would do anything for him.

i had that fairytale romance i had always wanted. i expected the happy ending..

i didnt get it.

he broke my heart. i shouldve expected it. I let him in.

deeper than anyone had ever gotten in.

and that day. 10-10-10. I died inside.

i have never felt pain like that. i never thought i could.

it was such a shock. all the promises that were broken...

I never thought i'd get over it.

for months i wrote him letters i never sent him.

for months i cryed myself to sleep.

faking a smile everyday. not wanting to explain whats wrong to everyone.

not wanting them to know i was sad. and unhappy with my life.

there are so many people i have to thank that helped me through it.

i would say theres still a part of me that loves him.

i might never be over it.

i dont know if it was perfect. or true love.

but it was the closest ive ever felt.

now its hard because i compare every guy with him. and what we had.

will i have someone more perfect someday?

i find that hard to believe..

i dont know what perfect is. if our love was perfect. if he was perfect.

so my question for you is what is perfect?

secret#10 i secretly knew it would happen again.

15 boys. is that normal?

to be 18. and have your heartbroken by 15 guys?

secret #9 those bruises werent from me being klutsy

i never thought it would happen to me..

but it did. my stepdad hit me once..

after it happened i didnt know what to do besides cry...

and thats what i did..

i probably cryed for an hour or so...

i know this was a short post but

i dont know what else to say..

after that. my mom decided i should get out of the house for a bit.

the choice was to move in with my dad. or my cousin..

i chose my cousin...

partly because of my stepmom.

partly because of my sisters

and how they would never leave me alone.

and my stepmom has trouble throwing stuff away

the house is so incredibly messy...

i know i really really hurt my dad when i chose to live with my cuz

i'll never be able to make that up.

i know he still loves me... but.. it'll always be there..

Secret #8 im your daughter too

my stepmom... i never clicked with her..

before she had my two halfsisters with my father

i dont think she really understood how to love..

she got mad at me for my problem. (secret4)

she had quite the temper....

and now that she has her own kids she understands a bit.

she told my grandma that she didnt understand and

now she's ruined her relationship with me forever..

she kinda has. i dont know what else to say..

thats that. thats how it is..

Secret #7 im vulnerable cause im broken.

secret #6 i thought i loved you. but i didn't....

This blog is about a boy we'll call STRIPES.

he was the first boy i really really liked.

all the other boy's before him were just little crushes.

and then with him... there was that spark.

have you heard that song the first cut is the deepest? its true.

and when he went away. he really hurt me..

we still talked. got closer. shared secrets.

even though he kept hurting me, i was drawn to him.

i remember telling him one day

your either the best thing for me

(when he would make me smile, and make me happy)

or the worst thing for me

(cause he just kept hurting me over and over again)

he really is sorry for hurting me.

im over it now.

i was missing him for two years.

in 2 1/2 years he hurt me so many times.

tryed to count once.

i got to 25 times and lost count.

i can look back on it now. and look back at the good times we had.

one night. he told me he loved me.

i was so happy..

he didnt mean it though.

he was scared of commitment,

now he has a girl that has changed him for the better.

im glad im over you.

i'll never forget you though.

im crazy i know, i thought u were special.

i do love you. not like i thought i did.

you'll always be one of my best friends

no regerts <3

thankyou.

Secret #5 BFF? i'll never find another like you.

This is HELLO KITTY. HK are her real initials.

she was my best friend. best to the extreme.

we were those friends,

that didnt care what others thought.

that crazy two that were always together.

the ones you were almost jealous of their friendship

i’ll never have another friend like you.

we met in 5th grade. we were friends

till about my junior year in high school.

we were known for our endless list of inside jokes.

and our 1400 pictures. we took pictures all the time.

that was all we did. we took pictures of

every moment. every face. every where.

including in the bathtub.... haha.

and some other odd places for sure

i always put more into the friendship than her.

she got into things that weren’t so good.

I found out about the drugs, drinking, sex, and more.

(recently i found out that she even dropped out of HS)

shes also pregnant now..

it wasnt my best friend.

we had never gotten in to a fight.

so i didnt want to confront her.

so we just slowly stopped talking....

we went to different schools..

we just kind of ended.

she let me down. she didnt use to be like that.

i dont know why that hurt so much.

but it did. i lost my best friend.

if you’ve been through that its hard to heal.

ive gotten to the point where im ok.

i can look back on the memories and smile.

its been hard.

but she’ll always have a special place in my heart.

i’ll never find another best friend that compares to you.

one of the things that hurt the most

was hearing other people talk.

i didnt think it was you.

but i guess i was wrong.

the things piled up. and i realized they had to be true.

after a long time. we hadnt talked in ages.

i sent her a message over facebook. and she confirmed it.

she let me down. i wonder if she know that...

i miss you.

the girl you used to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YbEtfJryXA

Secret #4 bad memories are the first thing that comes to mind when i look back.

When I was a child I had a embarrassing problem.

I couldnt escape it.
It was just there.
and i hated it.
I didnt feel like all the other kids.
and they would laugh at me alot.
somtimes daily..
my mom had to come pick me up from school all the time
When my little cousin asked me to tell her some childhood memories.

automatically all the bad times flooded my mind.

In 5th grade i had surgery which fixed the problem.

It was pricey for my parents.

but in my opinion very much so worth it.

Secret #3 faking a smile.

Faking a smile.

i would give anything to wake up

and be happy effortlessly.

but somedays i wake up

and im just not.

i have to drag myself out of bed.

and that is definitely hard.

im sure alot of you guys have heard the quote

"Im the type of girl that can be

so hurt but can still look at you

& smile. the type of girl who is

willing to brighten your day

even if i cant brighten my own"

thats me.

yeah there's days where i break down.

i build everything up inside of me

and i just cry. and i cant stop.

i actually got sent home from work one day

cause i was crying and couldnt stop.

but i'll get there one day.

where i wont have to force a smile.

I promise.

I believe true beauty isnt possible without happiness.

So happiness is my goal. watch and see.

I will be beautiful.

Secret#2 i was never your little girl

Dad, i hate that we were never close.

You were always really close to Nerdking. my brother.

but we never were like that.

you guys would talk for hours. about computers, games, star wars. etc

we were never like that.

i have cried alot that we were never close.

im guessing it has had to do some with the divorce.

then you got married and had two daughters.

did you know that i am jealous of them?

that they got to grow up with you.

wake up in the morning and you'll be right up the stairs.

i got that every other weekend when i was small.

and never nowadays.

they are your little girls. i never was.

Secret #1 hurting has been there since day1

My parents were divorced when i was 2.

I've never known it any other way.

I've always lived with my mom

and my dad lives about a half hour away.

I have one brother who is two years older than me.

we'll call him NERDKING. i'd say it sums him up.

Ive never been close with my dad. or my mom.

alot of girl's say that their mom is their best friend.

not me. we've just never been like that sadly.

I dont feel to share the other secret that also ruined my childhood.

I was teased alot. always embarrassed and had surgery.

and now its over. thats all you need to know.

My Dad was married about a year after the divorce

now i have two half sisters.

My mom was married 3 years after the divorce.

My stepdad has 3 boys.

so 3 stepbrothers for me. yay.

one of them died when he was 5.

i never met him. wish i did.

the other two are married and Ive never been able to relate to.

My stepmom and my stepdad both have tempers.

not a fun thing to grow up with at all.

thats all for tonight. Night.

This is my first post

Im not sure what im going to do my posting this blog. i guess its another way of "journaling i guess you could say. I want to get my feelings out. and get feedback. and maybe find others that are feeling the same way. that we can relate to each other. there's a million people in this world. some you'll never meet that are going through exactly what you are going through. and you'll never know. if anything i post you like, comment. express yourself.